Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Piers Akerman, the end of utegate, a litany of complaints and we wuz robbed.

It's officially over. Well at least until the cops pronounce it's over.

Utegate, I mean. How so? Piers Akerman has given up on it. He was the last, the most enduring, the most true believing of the commentariat columnists.

Surely the fateful email was the weapon that would slay the beast. Surely at last the faithful could dance on the grave of Comrade Rudd, dug by himself with his perfidy and favors to mates. Right up to his last column Akkers still held out hope that the roosters would come home to roost. For that rooster Swan. And that cockerel Rudd.

But now it's gone, the dream shattered. All that's left is pique and spleen and unhappiness and general abuse, as recorded in Our pork pie PM revels in butchering the truth:

The Federal Police are investigating a fake email _ why not also investigate Kevin Rudd’s fake 2007 election policies?

There were the big promises and there were the little promises and all of them were dodgy. Remember that pledge to bring Iran’s rulers before the International Criminal Court at the Hague? That was a biggie. Out of left field but phoney.

From fake email to Iran? Okay it's a big leap, but never mind, when you're doing a core dump on a drive, you want to get it all down.

Let's count the ways the Ruddster and his team has failed. 

The failed Murray-Darling system salvation, and saving the Great Barrier Reef. This was patently false. Nothing the Rudd Government can possibly do will increase rainfall to or alter the Reef's fate. Indeed, and thank the lord climate change is just a myth, so there's no need for anyone to do anything about such matters. 

What else?

Migrating whales off the NSW Coast are a reminder of the fake promise to send the Royal Australian Navy to protect whales from the Japanese whaling fleet.

Ye cats and fishes? Does Akkers suddenly care about the whales? Meh, they're just good eating for poor Japanese folk Piers. Remember we have dominion over the world and can fuck it over as we like.

What else?

Well there's FuelWatch, and Piers suddenly gets upset about the fuel companies squeezing profits no matter what the government might tell them. Lordy, surely there's nothing wrong with big business and big companies making an honest buck? By screwing the mugs who read your column.

Then there's the failure of GroceryWatch, part of a phoney war railing against inflation while the global economy was melting down - too focussed on the phantom inflation Genie to notice what was helping in the real world. 

Eer, actually Piers people were complaining about the prices the cosy duopolistic supermarkets were charging, and the Labor government fell to pressure from the big two when they said enough of this nonsense about telling consumers what's going down. Transparency is for a pane of glass. 

What if they'd had the guts to favor consumers? Cue Akkers' column on degenerate Rudd taking out worthy retailers.

Now are you saying you're in favor of gouging consumers, or do you believe that the big two chains are just charging a fair price for an honest day's work shipping retail goods around the nation?

But wait there's more - there's blowing the legacy of future generations, and the cost of the national broadband network blowing out by squillions, and a host of other things which sound dangerously socialistic:

Then there were the promises to give a boost to the alternative energy industry _ and the slashing of the solar energy rebate scheme before it was due to end, the phasing out of the LPG conversion scheme, the promise of flood relief to the NSW North Coast, the dental scheme that delivers less than the old plan and the cuts to rebates for those needing life-changing cataract surgery.

But Akkers old chum, why should we care about this socialistic nonsense, this evil expectation of people that government should give them things? Why aren't they out earning a crust to pay for all these things, instead of hanging around pining for rebates on useless solar energy and hopeless alternative energy and sill LPG conversions? After all, climate change is a myth.

But wait, there's still more. There's the job losses and the flawed industrial relations changes and the flow of unlawful arrivals on the north west coast. Not to mention the imminent end of western civilization as we know it.

And finally there's the ending, a flourish which announces the end of utegate as an issue:

If the AFP want to get to the Mr Bigs of fakes and phonies, it should go straight to the top and get a warrant to search the Lodge.

So in the end we all shuffle along, another day closer to the grave. All that's left to wonder is whether Akkers has a program on his computer which produces a random shuffle of grievances against Chairman Rudd and his government, and spits them out in new and exciting orders, with a new top and tail to make them seem fresh on the day. Either that, or he must type out his columns in his sleep, or a trance state, going over the same old ground as if he were trapped in a running dream. Or a nightmare.

And the true believers love him, but why does he remind me of a broken down Manly or South Sydney supporter shrieking at the referee and at the end of the game, slouching home deflated, slumped and moaning that 'we wuz robbed.' Do they know how irritating it is, when rational people are trying to have a rational discussion about how Manly are a bunch of losers?

Akkers can't even be bothered reconciling the contradictions in his positions, because he should theoretically be pleased that the government has rolled over on climate change and to big business and given up on whaling and on alternative energy. After all, why waste time and money on a myth.

But there you have it. In the entirety of Akkers' list, the email has been abandoned as a jokey top and tail reference to dreams that never were, hopes that might have been but never could be.

So maybe his real second career should not be footy fan but comedy gag writer. I've never read such a fine cascading set of gags, rolling off the tongue and delivered with such a vigorous, rollocking bollocking tone. No sense, nor even a way of understanding how you might actually stick a knife in the ribs of Chairman Rudd, rather than flail about with a baseball bat.

Still, you can do comedy by slipping on a banana peel. I wonder if Larry David needs a helping hand on Curb Your Enthusiasm ...?

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