Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Neil Breen, those nudie photos, expert opinion, and thinking with your dick

In other news today, Janet Albrechtsen was no doubt shocked to learn today that Telstra might have just ditched its outsourcing deal with Indian company Satyam. No, surely not, just when sending all Oz jobs to India and China looked to be the best way forward for small and large businesses (it looks like even that national symbol, the digger slouch hat is heading overseas. Well suck it up cobber digger mates, that has to be great for small business in this country. Janet says so. The sooner we outsource everything, including columnists, the better off we'll all be).

And Tim Blair is mute on the way a non-drinking, non-smoking Islamic has become the all time top points scorer in Rugby League. Guess he likes to drink at Manly.

And the Daily Terror has gone strangely quiet on the matter of Pauline Hanson's alleged nudie photos. But if you dig around online you can find this story by 'staff writers': Nude photos not of Pauline Hanson, ex-husband Walter Zagorski says. 

Yesterday Neil Breen, editor of The Sunday Telegraph, was still insisting that the photographs were of Ms Hanson. You might remember that Neil said his job was on the line if the photos turned out not to be of a young Pauline Hanson.

Today The Sydney Morning Herald has also run a story reporting that a forensic anatomist, Dr Meiya Sutisno of the University of Technology Sydney, is of the firm opinion that the photos are not of Hanson, but of a look-alike young woman. Read it here: Neck too short, nose too narrow - it's not Hanson, says expert. All the expert now needs is a look at Hanson's belly button to make it definitive.

Well, well, and Jack Johnson, the man who claims to have taken the photos, has gone to ground. He too still believes the photos were of Hanson: "I believe it is but I also believe I might be wrong," he said in a television interview. "I'm still hoping there's a Pauline out there who's going to come forward and slap my face and say, 'that was me you mongrel.'"

In the meantime Neil, welcome to loon pond. Please explain. Better still, why don't you resign now, not because the photos might or might not be fake, but because what you did was cheap, sordid, sensationalistic, and without any useful purpose to anyone - except mindless pervs, whom you seem to think constitute the bulk of your readership.

In the world of newspapers (and it must be said rightwing columnists, even of the female kind), there's a kind of thinking with your dick, and dick comparing, that is remarkably primaeval.

I was astonished when my partner insisted that we watch Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay, and the whole truth about Murdoch tabloid journalism was laid bare in lyrics by Mickey Avalon, deployed in the song My Dick:

My dick cost a late night fee
Your dick got the HIV
My dick plays on the double feature screen
Your dick went straight to DVD

My dick bigger than a bridge
Your dick look like a little kids
My dick rush like the chargers (the whole team)
Your shit look like you fourteen

My dick need no introduction
Your dick don't even function
My dick served a whole lunch-in
Your dick, it look like a munchkin

My dick size of a pumpkin
Your dick look like Macauley Culkin
My dick good good lovin'
Your dick good for nothin'

My dick bench pressed 350
Your dick couldn’t shoplift at thrifty
My dick pretty damn skimpy
Your dick hungry as a hippy

There's a whole lot more of it, but you get the idea. There's only so much a human bean can take in one go, and that includes reading The Daily Telegraph or its Sunday stable mate. Please, unless you happen to be dick obsessed, or worried about the size of your dick compared to others, or get a boner looking at nudie photos of a maybe Pauline Hanson, please only read the Terror when you find it on a train. 

Never buy it, never reward an online advertiser with a click through, and help bring down the evil empire of salacious, dick thinking, idle minded sleaze bag puffery. And I don't care if Tim Blair and Andrew Bolt said publishing the photos were wrong. They're part of the evil empire, and part of the problem. Wankery in all its forms is part of the problem. Whenever someone uses the word 'hypocrisy' in a piece in the Tele, I choke on my cornflakes and it ruins breakfast.

Sure it'll mean Sydney will just be a two mainstream media newspaper town, at least until the SMH carks it (no offence to the other small rags). And where's the harm in that, when clinical trials have proven that nine out of ten Daily Terror readers recover brain cells and become 10.1% smarter within one week of stopping reading the Terror. 

Sure it still doesn't give them the intellectual skills or the mental depth required to watch and understand the deeper meanings of a slacker movie like Harold & Kumar, but given time away from the Terror and blogging with Tim Blair - a year or two - they might just get there.

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