Thursday, March 19, 2009

Miranda Devine, Michael "neo" Costa, Speed Nazis, Vegan Cyclists, and Speed Addiction

(Above: vale Ed "Big Daddy" Roth, Rat Fink)

What is it with right wing neo commentariet neo columnists? Are they all lead footed, petrol headed speed freaks with a penchant for collecting speeding tickets?

How else to explain Miranda the Devine's fairness stuck in the slow lane column, and it's opening gambit about much needed revision to the draconian demerits points system, and drivers fearing losing their licenses for being snapped keeping up with the traffic flow.

Uh that's right officer, my fellow citizens were speeding, so I had to speed, to keep up with the traffic flow, and drive safely. Don't want to get labelled a tortoise when there are so many hares about these days.

So if you all speed, it's safe? Why sure, we all know that speeding is dangerous is a myth, usually spread by vegan cyclists and valiantly resisted by wonderful folk like Michael "Neo" Costa, one time Minister for Roads in this glorious state of NSW.

The current Roads Minister, one Michael Daley, is now singing from a sinister song sheet, according to Devine, as well as changing his tune. "We want to send a message that there is no such thing as safe speeding because there isn't."

Oh no, the cyclists have got to him. He's now a bike bot minister. Who to blame but that dreadful Harold Scruby, anti-car lobbyist supreme, chairman of the Pedestrian Council of Australia, who's clearly a single issue zealot, and whom caring Minister neo Costa - this is so funny - labelled "Harold Screwball" - and had him banned from his office.

That'll learn him. Sure Scruby means well - Miranda herself says so - and some of his ideas might have merit (not that neo Costa needed to hear any of them) but let's face reality, his screwball ideas are more dangerous than a speeding bullet or a car doing the ton.

And isn't wonderful that Michael neo Costa is still undergoing full rehabilitation by his new found friends in the right wing chook yard. Good ol' Costa is full of war stories about his time in office.

When he landed in Roads, he found that Carl Scully - a vegan cyclist no less - had empowered Scruby and other car activists, and created a ridiculous demerits scheme, so like any caring responsive Labor Minister in NSW, he locked the pestilent Scruby out of his office. (Scruby) wants to bring the road system to gridlock so everyone walks.

Poor neo Costa valiantly fought against this heresy but the evil vegan Scully, icky spittle cyclist, had already announced parts of his fiendish scheme.

As Costa says, the main reason the road toll has fallen worldwide is because of improvements in vehicle design, not the totalitarian tinkering of the RTA and its speed Nazis. (Yes Miranda that's ten demerit points for breaking Godwin's Law)

Yes and nothing to do with assorted assaults on drink driving, or young inexperienced speeding drivers, or improved road conditions, or ... What's that I read on the RTA road site, that speed was involved in up to 40% of crashes. Proof please!! What would a speed Nazi know anyhoo?

Valiantly the brave neo Costa fought on, but there are so many Agent Smiths active in the world. He complained that 130 kph safe freeways (or even those humble new revenue earners motorways) were being held to 90 kph, and he addressed social justice issues by worrying about speed freaks being sent to jail, and he worried about road safety rather than revenue raising, and he fought and he fought, oh how he fought, for the rights of speedsters everywhere.

But, under pressure at the time, he said he had to compromise by increasing low-range speeding to a three-point offence.

He did what??!!

His cunning plan to neutralise that extra point was to undermine the entire demerits system, by rewarding responsible drivers with bonus points, on top of the usual 12. Drivers could earn two bonus points after two years of "clean driving", and an extra point a year to a maximum of six.

But he never introduced it. He failed. The Agent Smiths of the world won. What a loser, what a drop-kick. And now everywhere speedsters of the lead footed kind are in deep do dah. Why a keen cyclist runs the RTA's centre for Road Safety (filthy perverted cyclist), and peddles a 'speed kills' philosophy. They're even exploring a big brother device to send signals to speeding cars to choke off the amount of fuel that gets to the engine. Quick, get me an aluminium hat as soon as you can. Better still, wrap my whole car in aluminium. Gotta stop the signals, the signals are driving me mad. Talk about big brother!!

And worse, the NRMA has a new president, who's Scruby approved. The cyclists love her, even if she's a former Nationals M.P. What to do? Well according to Devine a name change will fix everything:

Last time I looked, the M in NRMA stood for Motorists. Perhaps Scruby should call his organisation the Pedestrian and Motorists Council and Bicycle NSW could become Bicycles and Cars NSW. That's balance.

Huh? That's your best shot Miranda? That's pathetic. A name change? An attempt at humor? You're as sad as neo Costa.

Okay, here's Dorothy's guide to speeding:

1. If you travel at peak times (eg holidays) on major roads, and speed like all the other sheep, expect to be clipped.
2. Use secondary roads. Sure you'll take a lot more time, but you can make out like a rally driver in relative safety.
3. If you don't fancy rallying and being first, always try to find a driver speeding at the speed that suits your law-breaking ways. Drop in behind them, speed away and let them cop the fine up front. Never tailgate or irritate them into driving even faster. They're your key to speeding bliss. But remember sometimes cops are slow to act and end up booking the second driver. And cops can get you from behind. So you have to keep checking cars in the rear view mirror.
4. Always respect country town speed limits. They need the revenue, you don't need the fine. Funny, they don't like speedsters roaring through the main street. Once out of the town, you can sink the pedal to the metal, provided that you:
5. Always look out for cops 10ks either side of a country town, even if it's on a by-pass. The lions never go too far in search of prey, but they love a little antelope for dinner (yes I'm talking about you cops in Goulburn).
6. The higher you go above the actual speed limit, the less capable you are of quickly slowing down. And the higher the penalty. Your call.
7. Illegal devices are helpful but unsporting. Speeding is best done with full paranoia in gear, as you have to pay attention to your driving, to the cars around you, the likelihood of cops turning up, hidden cops, traffic conditions, road conditions. The full enchilada.
8. Front seat passenger, as well as navigating, must be deployed full time on cop alert. Speeding is like being in a war zone. All hands on deck.
9. Check your speedo. Ours was factory set about five to eight ks below what it shows. We can look like we're speeding while actually following the speed limit. It's a tremendous psychological boost.
10. If you've worked out how to speed in Sydney in peak hour traffic, let me know so we can both have a laugh.
11. Speeding in narrow city streets is likely to cause a dingle, kill a dog, cat, pensioner, cyclist or child. Heck, they're all expendable, speed away.

Now having explained the best way to break the law, remember this:

1. Everybody out on the roads is there to kill you, even if they don't mean to do it.
2. When you're out on the roads, you're a danger to everyone else on it.
3. If you kill yourself speeding, dead is for a long, long time in the grave. There ain't no heaven for speedsters.
4. If you kill someone else speeding, you're a criminal and should do jail time.
5. If you speed and cause damage to yourself or to others, better make sure your insurance covers your law-breaking ways. It doesn't? Golly gee and heck, that's damn inconvenient.
6. Speed kills.
7. Everyone thinks they're better drivers than they are, especially city drivers let loose on long country roads.
8. While not to my personal taste, being a vegan cyclist doesn't automatically make you as loonish a person as our very own Miranda the Devine. If she mentions Nazis in one more column, and collects another ten demerit points, can we ban her from writing for three months for breaking Godwin's law?

I know, I know. Sob. In another life, I was involved in the making of road safety films. The bike bots got to me, they stuffed a big red ball up my nose, just like the baddies did to Arnie in True Lies. Now I can't remember anything or think straight. Speed kills, two legs good, pedal to the metal, you ever been on a chickie run, Plato, what's a chickie run? Quick, for the love of god, get me a pair of tweezers.

I guess now's not the time for me to be pitching to Miranda my idea to ban all big 4WD vehicles from the centre of Sydney, or charge the Wollahra tractor brigade double for the pleasure of their high-ride follies at any toll booth going. Maybe next week ...

In the meantime, remember speeding in a fast car is the only way to get women to admire you and to have frantic sex with the gear knob in your spine. All this little finger waving stuff is a Feminazi conspiracy. See the Big Daddy for how to look your best for your wimmin. Ain't he handsome Miranda?

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