Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Piers Akerman, Chicken Little, Mad Dog Rudd, the sky is falling and Labor's to blame for everything

One fine day in the bright light that gives Sydney town such a fine glow, Chicken Little aka Piers Akerman aka the fat owl of the remove, was walking in the street when - kerplunk - Kevin Rudd fell on his head.

"On my goodness!" said Chicken Little. "The sky is falling! Or even worse the Labor party is dropping from the sky in the way that I've heard frogs and fish sometimes do, even on clear days. I must go and tell the Sun king, who will know what to do."

Luckily the Sun King, who was also known as Rupert the very, very wise, had a sensible solution. All Chicken Little had to do was carry an umbrella, coated with a special rat repellent, and write unceasing rants warning the general populace that the British were coming.

Oh sorry, wrong bit of history. The fat owl is in no way the Paul Revere of Australia on some midnight ride, but you might occasionally mistake him for the Paul Revere that served in the Penobscot Expedition.

What's got the fat owl alarmed this week? News that aliens are already amongst us? If only. It's just more of the same about how the Labor party has ruined everything, everything I tells ya.

What's gone wrong because of Rudd this week, as recounted in Piers' epic Grendel Grendel column about boogeymen in the cave of government, When will Labor learn to hit the right target?:

Industrial relations policies, emissions trading systems, an education revolution going nowhere, shooting blanks, Aboriginal employment stifled by red tape, redistribution of the nation's wealth from the prudent to the reckless, slamming slugs into dinkum Ozies, oi, oi, ignoring education realities, pink insulation batts, pigheadedness, teachers' union, foot shooting, Crockfest stuffed, red tape, failed optimistic parents, failed kids, failed the next generation, failed the future of this ageing failing nation.

Wow. All in 15 months. Sorry, forgot to mention - Rudd's singlehandedly responsible for the world economic crisis, the myth of global warming, the behavior of risk-taking banks, the recession, the depression in Japan, and the lack of planning for future markets by Ford and GMH. I'm also told by reliable sources that it was Rudd alone who caused the sun king to drop the odd billion or five or more the last quarter, and that his insidious moles and spies have caused the current disarray in the Liberal party through their cunning lies and treachery.

Now solve this conundrum. According to Piers, Rudd's adopted 98% of the answers the Howard government supplied. In the process he's ruined everything, everything I tells ya. Is that because he adopted 98% of the Howard government's policies, or because he only managed to come up with 2% of his own? Gee, that 2% must have been a set of really deadbeat ideas, to overwhelm the noble 98% bestowed by Saint John. Or was some of the 98% wrong? Like buying votes with handouts?

Dearie me, twaddle, Piers, twaddle and humbug. When a man starts throwing around statistics this way - 98% of the answers 98% of the time - he starts to sound like Bob Ellis, the master of the art of twaddlery, who once proudly boasted to me that he made up statistics when it suited him, or at least ninety per cent of the time (and assured me that you always had to ask a hundred women if they wanted a fuck in order to score with one. I guess that means a 1% policy option is indeed the way to go). 

Are you keeping your tie free of tomato sauce, pie droppings and hamburger juice fat owl? And wiping off the deranged slobber and foam on your suit, the result of possible rabies from a bite by mad dog Rudd? What if someone starts mistaking you for an hysterical right wing equivalent to Bob Ellis? Even if only for 98% of the time?

It's time for freedom,
It's time for moving, it's time to begin,
Yes, it's time, it's time Australia,
It's time for moving, it's time for proving,
Yes it's time.

Yep fat owl, it's time to put up that umbrella, and walk out in the street, knowing that the sun king will keep you safe and warm from the evil Ruddster. 

Even as newspapers around the world start collapsing like souffles. I know, I know, it's all the fault of Kevin Rudd. But it's time to move on. 

Doing a chicken little with the flapping and the squawking and the clucking and the carry on is so yesterday. Even the movie's in the weekly rental section now.

How about Henery Hawk? Now there's a new angle ...

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