Sunday, February 22, 2009

Janet Albrechtsen, John Hewson, Peter Costello, Malcolm in the middle and a little big endian egg cutting and de-ballsing

(War) began upon the following Occasion. It is allowed on all Hands, that the primitive way of breaking Eggs, before we eat them, was upon the larger End: But his present Majesty's Grand-father, while he was a Boy, going to eat an Egg, and breaking it according to the ancient Practice, happened to cut one of his Fingers. Whereupon the Emperor his Father published an Edict, commanding all his Subjects, upon great Penaltys, to break the smaller End of their Eggs. The People so highly resented this Law, that our Histories tell us there have been six Rebellions raised on that account; wherein one Emperor lost his Life, and another his Crown. These civil Commotions were constantly fomented by the Monarchs of Blefuscu; and when they were quelled, the Exiles always fled for Refuge to that Empire. It is computed, that eleven thousand Persons have, at several times, suffered Death, rather than submit to break their Eggs at the smaller End. Many hundred large Volumes have been published upon this Controversy: But the books of the Big-Endians have been long forbidden, and the whole Party
rendered incapable by Law of holding Employments. During the Course of these Troubles, the Emperors of Blefuscu did frequently expostulate by their Ambassadors, accusing us of making a Schism in Religion, by offending against a fundamental Doctrine of our great Prophet Lustrog, in the fifty-fourth Chapter of the Blundecral (which is their Alcoran.) This, however, is thought to be a meer Strain upon the Text: For the Words are these: That all true Believers shall break their Eggs at the convenient End: and which is the convenient End, seems, in my humble Opinion, to be left to every Man's Conscience, or at least in the power of the Chief Magistrate to determine.  Jonathan Swift, Gulliver's Travels.

Too much truth in that one short paragraph for a child to bear or understand when offered Gulliver's Travels and his voyage to Lilliput as a light-hearted fairy tale about a man-mountain dwelling amongst small people.

What's worse, Swift's work was published in 1726 and we still haven't worked it out today (and don't go talking to me with your computer jibber jabber about how big endians can improve hardware logic).

I mean there's that silly Queensland rebel priest Father Peter Kennedy, sacked by the Brisbane Archbishop for  inviting all kinds of trash into his church (gays no less!!) It seems the man wants to be a Christian in the proper sense of the word. Doesn't he understand he's actually a Catholic? Doesn't he realize that all would be well if only he invited anti-semites and Holocaust deniers into his flock, to help diversity and plurality? Silly man.

It's even better when the big endians fight amongst themselves (or are the Liberals little endians? Is it best for a Liberal to seek out the small end of the egg as a stand against big government intervention and as a symbol of the individual liberty of small men? Or should they stand for the big endian bit of town? So hard.)

Anyhoo, the Libs have got themselves into a standard 'in opposition' leadership knot, and the intervention of John Hewson into the Turnbull-Costello debate over the weekend was most amusing. In You missed your chance, Peter, Hewson essentially said Costello was lazy, self-indulgent, disloyal, didn't have the balls and he should bugger off.

It wasn't a subtle message, but from Malcolm Turnbull currently sits it probably sounded fair.

It also made a refreshing change to the pious free market platitudes we've been copping from former Labor party roosters. It's been vaguely nauseating to watch lately the way Labor party feather dusters like Michael Costa - done with ruining NSW - and Mark Latham - done with ruining the Labor party, have recently turned themselves into newspaper columnists quoted with adoration by the right wing commentariet for their refreshingly destructive take on the state of Australia under Kevin Rudd.

Naturally Hewson's outburst has immediately prompted a roast from Dame Slap aka Janet Albrechtsen, in The Australian, under the header Hewson's delusions of grandeur.

Albrechtsen inevitably contrasts the wonderful performance of John Howard at the Menzies Institute, with his measured and dignified talk of gratitude and reform, with the oafish behaviour of Hewson.

It seems Hewson's just an attention seeker, a look at moi type who was a wunderkind failure (now if only they'd told us that when he was elected leader of the Liberal party).

Anyhoo, as a failure, he should shut up. Proving once again that shooting the messenger is always more satisfying than listening to the message.

As for Albrechtsen's solution: "... in the interests of the party, the ongoing duel between the current Liberal leader and the former Treasurer needs to be dealt with behind closed doors."

Impenetrability I always say.

Like as if Janet. You know Hewson actually made a little more sense in his column than you. That must stick in the craw.

No wonder it seems Albrechtsen is still having gender issues: "But, John, just between us girls, we know that helping the Liberal Party was not your real intent was it?"

I don't recollect Hewson identifying as transsexual. Is this Albrechtsen's way of de-ballsing him, of turning him into a girl?

Johnny came from out on the island
In the backroom she was everybody's darling
But she never lost her head
Even when she was givin' head
She says, hey babe, take a walk on the wild side ...

Oh I get it, Janet's just being funny in a kinda funny way. Just a little bitch slapping. Settle down ho Hewson.

Ah well I guess it passes for political discourse in this country. How quickly Latham's been forgiven and elevated into the pantheon of poseurs, his labeling of Janet Albrechtsen a skanky ho, his attack on Tony Staley as a deformed character and his ridiculing our very own fat owl Piers Akerman as a cocaine user now long gone fish and chips wrapping (not to mention his description of John Howard as an arselicker and the front bench of the Liberal party as a conga line of suckholes).

Hewson will never achieve Latham's apotheosis. Sure, he might have been telling the truth as he sees it (well okay as I see it), but sssh, when arranging a funeral, it's best done behind closed doors.

But who's going to be burying who? Sssh, it'll be done behind closed doors. Just like the mob. Or domestic violence.

Janet always has the best role models to hand for the Liberal party. Fuck it, cut the egg whichever way you want to, just do it in private where no one can see the knife land.

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