Sunday, May 10, 2009

Tim Blair, Bristol Palin, Carrie Prejean, Immigration, Andrew Bolt, Adelaide, P J O'Rourke and cats pissing in the ashes

(Above: Bristol Palin, "Teen Ambassador" for "Candie's Foundation", reminding teens, according to Gawker, that having a baby isn't really so bad, you get to have sex and lots of attention and you get to be on TV and your parents will love and support you. Remember fuck frequently and always without condoms, we need to grow this country and the world).

Getting conflicting messages from the commentariat. Head hurts. Feel like Arnold in the atmosphere of Mars. Not enough pressure, bones distending, brain expanding, bleeding from the nostrils, and shortly ... kaboom!

But what could produce this kind of head explosion? Well Tim Blair of course with his gadfly links to strange outermost reaches of the intertubes, which better soon fill up totally, because they're already pretty full of strangeness and horseshit. (You can reach his galactically weird linking system, aka a blog here).

First Tim sustains his infatuation with Sarah Palin by linking to a loon protesting about tourists wanting to see the governor's mansion. Well if that's the best you can do to evoke sympathy for the errant, erratic governor of Alaska ...

Meantime of course Tim has missed the crucial bits of business involving Bristol Palin flooding morning television in the USA to explain the importance of abstinence (as in don't do as I do, do as I say). For that story, we have to turn to the always reliable Gawker:

Has her being stuck between her insane mother and the vindictive family of her ex made you feel sympathetic toward Bristol Palin? Well, this morning she went on the TV to help with that.

Bristol appeared on
Good Morning America to polish her scarlet letter and to explain, at the behest of whomever, that while abstinence did not work for her, because, you know, she wanted to have sex with Levi Johnston (and who wouldn't!), it is the only option for you and your child. If she had to do it all over again, what would she do? Not do it all over again. She would wait ten years to have sex. Or, she'd wait ten years to have baby Tripp, but she doesn't ever mention those crazy "condom" or "birth control" options so we're forced to conclude that she thinks she'd hold off on doing it until she was almost 30.

Meanwhile, over at CBS, former intended hubbie Levi was - gasp - advising that a little teaching might not hurt:

"But at the same time, you know, abstinence is a great idea, but I also think that you need to enforce, you know, condoms and birth control and other things like that to have safe sex. I don't just think telling young kids, you can't have sex, it's just — it's not going to work. It's not realistic."

Said Gawker: Look, when some dumb mook's method of waging a publicity war against his ex's family is to actually make the first reasonable, realistic, and responsible statement on teenage sex of this entire shitshow, well, it says something about America.

But here's the head hurt. The right wing commentariat are always telling me how idealistic and unrealistic socialists and pinkos are, and how the world needs the right to get down and run the planet in a managerial way. And here we are confronted by an Alaskan Days of Our Lives as the future of the Republican party?

In recent days Tim has even managed a header hoping for Sarah Palin in 2012. Keep  it up Tim, the world needs more Sarah Palin like we need more Dick Cheney (We Need More Dick Cheney).

But Balir doesn't stop there. He manages to link to a right wing poof who in his desire to bash Perez Hilton and praise Miss California Carrie Prejean for her views on Christian marriage, goes quite off the rails of hysterical abuse for his fellow poofs and lefties in general. 

Never mind that she's a boob job bubble headed booby - US pageants are full of them, both in terms of talent and judges - the poof chappie somehow manages to avoid any mention of the sweet young thing's nude snapshots, and her dissembling about the how and the why of them.

I've always wondered about Stockholm syndrome amongst poofters dedicated to the right wing commentariat - Chistopher Pearson is the usual sterling example - and you can find no better example than Straightshooters.

But then Tim Blair also gets agitated about Australia adding the population of Adelaide to Australia every three years - a terrifying thought. And no, it's not because the thought of the population of Adelaide is a terrifying thought - hey Adelaide readers I keed, I keed, I loves ya, and even now I dream of those bistros of delight in east Rundle. It's Tim Blair who's being cruel with his jokey link to the chilling Family Murders case.

One indignant crow eater reader gets quite upset: If you want to retain any sort of readership over here, may I suggest that you and your small but syncophantic claque of sniggering Adelophobes try to wean yourselve’s off the endless stream of puerile anti Adelaide ‘joke’s’.
Perhaps once or twice a year? We are, after all meant to be on the same side.

Ouch. So it is a game of football, and you shouldn't slag off your team members, even if they live in - snicker - Adelaaayyyde?

Enough of that, they're so touchy about eastern staters and the time zone difference, but we all loves ya, we do, just like Bristol Palin loves sex. 

The real panic people is because we're adding a million folk every so often to the population of Australia. But groan, I thought growth was good, we needed to keep growing and using up the world's endless resources as fast as we could, and any other talk was a mindless, child-like heresy worthy only of simpletons like Al Gore.

Click on Blair's link and you get taken through to Andrew Bolt's blog, one of the outer rings of hell where I rarely venture, leaving that loonatic to the Pure Poison guys who seem fixated on his madness. And  here's Andrew Bolt going all Al Gore on us, people hating, talking about people as if they were cockroaches out to ruin the planet:

Do we really have jobs for all these people, and the locals, too? And do we have the water, power and housing land, given the failure of governments to provide them?

Fook a dook, it's all the government's fault. Nothing to do with the private sector. Why, the next thing you know Bolt will be humming this is the dawning of the age of Aquarius, and be up at Nimbin preaching a one child policy for all, like the Maoists.

As you'd expect from Bolt, the problem isn't fucking like Bristol Palin and having way too many single mother babies (or is it?) but immigration, which has soared to record levels and means strange foreign folk, with funny smells and speaking in funny tongues, are coming to haunt good Dutch migrants who used to call Tarcoola home.

Perhaps that's why there was a deathly hush in the commentariat as Janet Albrechtsen's much loved P. J. O'Rourke produced an absolute clanger on the ABC's Q&A when he lobbed up here recently. Frankly, it was as tasteless as if he'd unzipped his pants and pissed on Aunt Mabel's ashes, like that cat in Meet the Parents. What a Focker.

PJ O'ROURKE: I'm not seeing any Aborigines on the panel here. I am not a Comanche or a Sioux. You know, my people came over to the United States in a completely disorganised way. Doubtless by way of people smugglers, you know. You know, I really believe in immigration ... The reason that this is a great nation... the reason America is a great nation is because of immigration. Let them in. Let them in. These people are assets. You know, one or two of them might not be, but you can sort them out later.

PJ O'ROURKE: But no O'Rourkes would have ever been allowed in the United States ...if there'd been an orderly immigration system. Stopped us right away.

TONY JONES: But just to finish your point, PJ O'Rourke, I mean, are the conservatives getting this wrong in Australia?

PJ O'ROURKE: Oh, I think conservatives are getting this wrong all over the world, I really do. I think one of the things that, to me, makes the difference between my kind of libertarian conservatism and the left is that I think my side of this, the right, my side of the right, believes people are assets. That's what pro-life really means. It isn't really about abortion. We believe people are assets. The left tends very much to think that people are nuisances; that they need more stimulation; they need more education; they need more welfare; you know, they're a bother; they're an expense. You know: people, what are we going to do with them? Oh, more people? Oh, no. Oh, no, you know. So I think people work hard, make things, you know build stuff. May of them are quite cute, you know. I mean...

Ah got it at last. Head hurt resolved. Tim Blair and Andrew Bolt are rampant leftie stooges. They're not pro life, they're anti life. Think assets, you turkeys, think of Carrie Prejean and Bristol Palin as assets. So what if you have to depreciate them down to zero by the time they reach thirty?

I just so loved P J O'Rourke pissing on the carpet that I can't stop repeating it, because it was greeted with a deathly hush by the commentariat, and now Blair and Bolt are back to the old refrain of immigration bashing.

But how do we tie all these Tim Blair inspired loonatic threads together? Well it seems simple to me. 

We overrule Bolt's anti-immigration hysteria, and invite Miss California Carrie Prejean to migrate here. So smitten is Sharpshooter by her charms that he converts to heterosexuality, and they get married in a wonderful church ceremony. They try to practise the abstinence policies preached by Bristol Palin, but fail, and soon have a brood of children, so Australia grows by the population of Adelaide plus two or so. 

As the country continues its growth surge, with Prejean's brood using Alaskan skills learned from Bristol Palin to strip Tasmania of its trees, the recession is put aside, Piers Akerman's thunderous wrath is diverted, and all is right with the world. 

Meanwhile, Tim Bolt and Andrew Bolt are sent to a right wing re-education camp, a gulag, where they are taught that people and progress and growth and profit and sex without condoms are all good causes. And that abstinence, while it sounds like a nice Christian idea, won't work because without fucking the world is fucked. Which is why Bristol Palin and the Pope are of one mind (and a very small one mind it is too) about condoms.

I know, I know, I've been reading the commentariat too much of late but aren't alternative universes fun. Oops, you're right, they're already here. The clowns I mean ... so while we're into repeats, isn't Carrie just peaches and apple pie cute cream? 

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