Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Gerard Henderson, the Greens, the Liberals, the Labor party and the only genuinely leftist party in the land

(Above: Cruel First Dog on the Moon cartoon indicating a certain attitude to desiccated coconut Gerard Henderson, as referenced by a reader who clearly doesn't understand the importance of a properly timed big endian of town egg, or the competitive free market small business, 'sack all those employees' spirit that makes the competition for the world's dullest newspaper columnist such a lively and exciting affair).

There's a breathless hush of anticipation in the crowd tonight. Can Gerard Henderson beat the world record for repetition in column writing by mentioning yet again about the difficulties small business faces under the onerous burden of Federal Labor unfair dismissal laws?

Will he become the Tiger Woods of the commentariat columnists? 

But no, there's a sudden slip, the ball lips the cup, and the record has to wait another week, as his column Greens profit from Liberal largesse omits any reference to a small business crisis. Ah well even Roger Federer some day meets his Rafael Nadal.

But wait you clowns that's only because there's a much bigger crisis. Those wretched latte sipping, chardonnay slurping sandgropers (the quaint way we think of our secessionist cousins in far off Western Australia) have dared to voted a Green into an actual lower house seat. And it's all the fault of the Liberals.

Yep, not only has the only genuine left wing party in the land (Henderson's words) had an historic win, helped along by the party closest to the angles, but for what? Please explain what the Liberals have got out of their devious deception, and failure to act to save the Labor party in this seat. That's right. Nothing, nada, zilch, except the pleasure of gloating at the demise of the Labor party.

The Liberals and the Labor party are close kissing cousins these days, policy wise, and who cares if the Labor party has been rigorous in its contempt for its inner city electorates, preferring to spend money in marginal electorates rather than take care of its largely captive audiences (resulting in voter rage from those who refuse to vote Liberal but are jack of Labor).

As a result Labor is in peril, and some fine Labor players - Tanya Plibersek, Anthony Albanese and Lindsay Tanner - are in peril. No, say it ain't so Gerard. Not Lindsay Tanner, "one of the top performers in Kevin Rudd's team".

What do do? Well it's time for the Liberals to step up to the plate, and knock those lefties right over the nearest fence for six or a home run (depending on your preferred brand of sport).

After the Fremantle result, the Liberal Party would be well advised to re-consider its preferences strategy in inner-city electorates. It is a matter of some irony that Australia's proclaimed party of the environment polls poorly in rural and regional areas where Labor, Liberals or Nationals invariably prevail. The same is true of the suburbs, where Labor or Liberals usually win.

This means that, realistically, the Greens can only hope to win inner-city seats which are held by Labor MPs. Therefore, under the compulsory preferential voting system of federal elections, the Greens can only hope to win seats if the Liberal Party preferences their candidates ahead of Labor's.

But ... but ... wait a minute, the Labor party is full of vile socialists and lefties, isn't it? Even some commies of the old school, pretending to be lefties? Isn't that vile Christian socialist Kevin Rudd about to ruin the country with his extravagant welfare schemes and free spending Whitlam-esque, Trotskyite ways?

Until now it has been Liberal Party policy, both federally and state, to put the Greens ahead of Labor on its how-to-vote cards. It is not clear why the Liberals do this. Even the most right-of-centre barracker in the land would acknowledge that, on policy matters, the Coalition is closer to Labor than the Greens. It makes little sense for the Liberals to bring about situations where the Greens win seats at Labor's expense.

Right on, getting it now. The Liberals must have absolutely nothing to do with these vile leftie greenies, they must cleanse them from the land. Never sup with the devil, because you never remember to bring your food taster along, and who knows what vegetarian organic rubbish they've put in the soup.

And then there is the question of the lack of a quid pro quo. The Liberal Party put the Greens ahead of Labor on its how-to-vote cards in such seats as Sydney, Grayndler and Melbourne where the Greens have a realistic chance of winning. Yet the Greens never put the Coalition ahead of Labor in those marginal seats where Liberal or National candidates need as many preference votes as possible to hold or win seats.

Typical lefties, with their hands in the Liberal jam jar, and without paying a cent. Firm action must be taken to wipe them from the lands.

It's time the Liberals stood up to the Greens. Demand a preference swap in mutually winnable seats ...

Yes that'll teach them a lesson. That their preferences count, and they can negotiate with both the Liberals and Labor in pursuit of their fiendish aims. Oh sorry, there's a little more:

... or put Labor ahead of the Greens on the Liberal Party's how-to-vote card. At the moment, both in the Senate and in the electorate at large, the Liberal Party's tactics have the unintended consequence of helping Australia's only genuinely leftist party.

Yes a Lib Lab coalition for the good of the land. Why we might even be able to get rid of those pesky rural types in the National party, with their agrarian socialism, as well as this tragic inner city crowd who ruin everything from climate change policies to national wine drinking trends.

So there you have it folks. The next time a member of the commentariat writes about the evil socialist Labor party, or you get cornered in a dinner party, remember to rant that the Labor party is certainly not a genuinely leftist party. It's a close kissing cousin of the Liberal party, and they should be best friends as they pursue their Tweedledum and Tweedledee policies.

There's only one genuine leftist party in Australia, and that's those vile filthy greens, and if anybody tries to stand up to you, or quibble, or gets disputatious or argumentative, draw yourself up to your full height and pronounce them knaves and fools. And when asked for evidence, or proof, or whatever, carefully articulate this profound truth: Gerard Henderson told me so.

Now this gives me some great campaign ideas for Labor: vote Labor for a genuinely non leftist party, or stop the leftie rot, vote Labor instead of Green, or vote Labor, more often right and Right than the Liberals, or vote Labor to stop the leftie loving Liberals.

Could Gerard Henderson have revolutionized Australian politics in just one column? No wonder he didn't mention small business suffering under Labor this week, because it's no longer a genuinely leftist party. They're only pretending, it's only make believe, and all will be well. provided the real satanists are kept from power ...

Liberals, close your eyes, think of the mother country, and do your duty. Preference Labor! There that wasn't so hard, was it. Next week we'll work on you being able to preference Labor for longer than two minutes ...

(Below: and so to the end of the First Dog on the Moon cartoon where the cruel jibes keep flowing).

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