Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Carrie Prejean, Donald Trump, Janet Jackson and a nipple-led crusade to save the world

(Above: Janet Jackson, back in the news with the Supreme Court ordering a federal appeals court to reconsider its waiving of a $550,000 fine against CBS, because the court erroneously considered the appearance of the nipple 'fleeting', rather than sagging).

Joy to the world, Carrie Prejean is innocent, though we were never quite sure what crime she was charged with, except being a bimbo who accepted a boob job from a pageant.

Donald Trump, who just happens to own the Miss USA pageant, has determined in his infinite Trumpian wisdom, that she can keep her Miss California title.

The news has rocked America, in only the way the flash accidental sighting of a Janet Jackson tit could rock the country and its broadcast regulator to the foundation stones and all the way to the Supreme Court (and never no mind those pornography sites that boast of serving up billions of images, a fact I never knew until Stephen Conroy published his handy guide to pornography on the web).

Trump reviewed Prejean's pictures carefully - no doubt very carefully and with a magnifying glass - and determined that they were acceptable. Some were risque, he said, but he also advised us that we were in the twenty first century.

This news will come as some relief to those who thought, along with Gerard Henderson, that we were living in the Victorian era, and practising abstinence (though come to think of that, if Victorians had done that, rather than make out like Queen Victoria on heat, there'd be fewer of us running around in the world today. Nine kids she had, and 42 grandkids, and couldn't keep her paws off Albert until she had to settle for Billy Connolly, after typhoid took off the prince consort - and now you know what being a royal consort involves).

As for Prejean's view that marriage is between a man and a woman, nothing wrong with that, just freedom of speech and an honorable answer from the heart. Pity she later bitched about losing the comp for saying what she thought, but hey, where would the world be without a pageant queen bitch. (Maybe Reece Witherspoon is now a bit too old for the telemovie of the saga, but I guess we'll always have Election).

Trump really is a post modernist, and back in 2006 he forgave another Miss USA for getting on the grog and maybe even snorting a snifter of cocaine. Hey people, we're in the twenty first century. Which presumably means it's okay for gays to get married? After all, if a bare tit isn't going to bring down America, where's the harm in gays wanting to experience the hideous rituals of heterosexuality, as so loving enacted in Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf.

And let's forgive Carrie for lying about the when and the how of the photos being taken. Where's the harm, especially as she didn't feel the need to lie about gay marriage, a question where Satan tempted her to be untrue to her righteous Christian principles. 

You can catch the latest flurry of Carrie nude photos at TMZ, but they've photoshopped red star pasties over her nips, and so made it all pointless. Spoilsports.

Well surely that's Carrie's fifteen minutes in the sun, but with America, you can never tell. There's just something so appealing about a blonde exposing her tits for Jesus that Carrie might just keep on getting a lot of exposure. Could we start a 'bare tits for Jesus' movement in Australia? Worth thinking about. There should be a lot more of it, to keep the lads off the streets, out of the pubs and wasting their lives online.

Meantime, tragic news, and no, we're not talking about Matthew Johns stepping down from The Footy Show, since we have never watched an actual episode and so don't know what it all means.

No, we're talking about the disturbing news that Joe, as well as not being a plumber, might also not be a Republican anymore. Yep, apparently Joe, aka Samuel Wurzelbacher told TIME magazine that he's outraged by GOP overspending and so is quitting the party.

Now am I only one to see a marriage made in heaven here - Joe hitching up with Carrie in a god fearing wedding, and saving America from atheists, satanists and the Republican party. They could call their party the fourth way ...

I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.
Every man praying or prophesying, having his head covered, dishonoreth his head.
But every woman that prayeth or prophesieth with her head uncovered dishonoreth her head: for that is even all one as if she were shaven.
For if the woman be not covered, let her also be shorn: but if it be a shame for a woman to be shorn or shaven, let her be covered
. (1 Corinthians 11)

Yep, bring back the veil, you heretics, or at least hats. Or get shorn. The only time you see a righteous woman these days is at Flemington on Melbourne Cup day. Let your tits run free Christians, but for the love of the lord, cover your heads.

Too hard? Oh alright, let's settle for a closer look at Janet Jackson's metal nipple mauler. 

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