Piers Akerman, Newsmax, Christopher Ruddy, Jeremiah, bullfrogs and the apocalyptic vision of never ending disasters

(Above: painting by Rembrandt which scholars at one time thought to be Jeremiah Lamenting the Destruction of Jerusalem, but is now understood to be a late work portraying Piers Akerman lamenting the Destruction of Australia by Kevin Rudd).

For some strange reason, I ended up on the spammy mailing list for Newsmax.com, an exotic right wing fundie American outpost which seems to exude apocalyptic adjectives like a hippie stoned on acid.

Dear Fellow American, starts one recent email, The time has finally arrived. It is of course a Call to Arms, a groundbreaking event, an internet broadcast that it seems is critical to watch, and full of wealth saving advice from people who have incredibly outperformed the George W. Bush inspired market like few others in the world (and certainly that satanic democrat George Soros).

The internet broadcast features a never before aired interview with a dead knight (Sir John Templeton) who warns prophetically from the grave about the type of policies Obama is implementing. You've got to hand it to those ghosts when it comes to prophecies! It even features a recent video clip from Warren Buffett that has gotten scant media attention, but is simply astounding in what the the Oracle of Obama predicts.

There's also a stunning announcement, a kind of mystery prize for those who take the mystery tour, which sadly I missed, so I guess I'll never know what it's like to be smacked across the chops by a big tuna fish, or is that tsunami, of horror. Those that did hear it will have been galvanised and shocked into action, and left the broadcast with an urgent renewal of mission to defend their money and grow their wealth.

Sob, and I missed this revolutionary online event, and even the re-broadcast, along with all the tea parties. Sorry, Christopher Ruddy, guess it's bankruptcy for me.

But at least it's a change of  pace in terms of a pitch, because over at the Daily Terror, the fat owl aka our very own Piers Akerman, keeps on churning out his personal brand of hysteria, his own concrete truck of adjectives, like an out of control butter churn.

The poor lad so misses John Howard:

The reality is that there has never been a good thing under the Rudd government. The good things came to an end when the Howard government was voted out of office.

Yep, he's really hoping that Labor fucks up and takes Australia down with it, as a way of learning everybody a lesson. 

There's plenty more of it, all bilious bile, like a cow farting methane in the direction of the ozone layer, all about how the flawed budget - yet to be announced - will prove disastrous, and I got to thinking, as it was so tiring to read, what is it about loon columnist members of the commentariat, and their apocalyptic taste for disaster?

Sure it's fear mongering, and ranting like a gibbon monkey on heat, but there's something bizarre about the desire to see governments and nations fail because the other team got a chance to bat while Akerman and his chums are forced to toil in the hot sun on an unresponsive wicket - peddling the same kind of extremism they once berated lefties for, you know those sordid treasonous folk who just wanted John Howard to collect a pie in the face.

My guess is that first of all it's a kind of therapy. After all Akerman gets squillions, it seems (well at least enough not to get a cent of the nine hundred buck cash in the paw Rudd payment and so keep his conscience clear), to write this kind of guff for Rupert, which has to be a damn sight better than paying to sit on a therapist's couch and pour out his fear, loathing and hatred for Kevin Rudd, the Labor government, left wingers, socialists, communists, Mick Keelty, bikies, greenies, bureaucrats, teachers, unionists and anybody else who strays in his path when he gets out the wrong side of the bed.

Second, it has to have something to do with the kind of apocalyptic fundamentalism that turns up in Christian and Islamic communities. It's the 'you'll all be rooned' mentality cranked up to eleven. Better to blow it all up to prove it's all stuffed, than go with the flow.

Where most people just try to go about their business - eat, drink, hope for a fuck, take the dog for a walk - Akerman seems to get his jollies by flailing and foaming about like an old testament prophet. 

The Rudd government has done more damage to the Australian economy in less time than it took the Whitlam government to become a global joke.

There's nothing rational here, there's no point in mentioning the GFC or attempting a rational debate. It's like trying to explain to a football supporter why Liverpool is fucked, or the New England Patriots, or Manly, or even Carlton and Collingwood.

It reminds me of the book of Jeremiah in the bible, which is primarily a righteous rant about rampant idolatry. Jeremiah gets pretty savage about Judah and delivers god's judgment in much the same way as Akerman stones out of hand the wretched Australians who voted out John Howard and voted in the anti-christ Kevin Rudd.

Will you steal and murder, commit adultery and perjury, burn incense to Kevin Rudd, and follow other gods you have not known, and then come and stand before me in this house, which bears my Name, and say, "We are safe"- safe to do all these detestable things? Has this house, which bears my Name, become a den of robbers to you? But I have been watching! declares the Akerman.

Go now to the place in Canberra where I first made a dwelling for my Name, and see what I did to it because of the wickedness of my people Australia. While you were doing all these things, declares the Akerman, I spoke to you again and again, but you did not listen; I called you, but you did not answer. Therefore, what I did to Canberra, I will now do to the house that bears my Name, the temple you trust in, the place I gave to you and your fathers. I will thrust you from my presence, just as I did all your brothers, the people of New Zealand when they elected Helen Clarke.

So do not pray for this people nor offer any plea or petition for them; do not plead with me, for I will not listen to you ...

My anger and my wrath will be poured out on this place, on man and beast, on the trees of the field and on the fruit of the ground, and it will burn and not be quenched.

Sound like Piers Akerman, a tinkling brass, full of sound and fury but signifying nothing?

Well yes it does, but here's the funny thing. The bible's a better read, especially in the King James version, full of wonderful poetry, and resonant speechifying, while Akerman generally manages to sound somewhere between a repetitious parrot and a screeching cockatoo. You can read him here, with Labor's flawed Budget will prove disastrous, but have you thought just how little time you have left, and how much nicer a walk in the park might be, even if it involves dancing and singing in the rain?

Another tip? I can't believe I'm saying this, but why not give the bible a go, just for the poetry mind you, or if that's beyond you, and I can't believe I'm saying this, why not sing along to Creedence Clearwater Revival? 

Jeremiah was a bullfrog
Was a good friend of mine
I never understood a single word he said
But I helped him a-drink his wine
And he always had some mighty fine wine
Singin'...

Joy to the world
All the boys and girls now
Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea
Joy to you and me

If I were the king of the world
Tell you what I'd do
I'd throw away the cars and the bars and the war
Make sweet love to you
Sing it now...

Joy to the world
All the boys and girls
Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea
Joy to you and me.

Even Elton John probably sounds better than the tedious wine of Akerman.

(Below: the satanic anti-christ and socialist Obama with another Jeremiah. Now are you getting the picture, you foolish people! Trust in Akerman and he will smote the wicked socialists and spare the sword and save the people. Is it too late to bring back John Howard so that we might all be happy once again in this land of picket fences, tea and scones?)