Phillip Jensen, Cardinal Pell, Virginia Woolf, the Bloomsbury Mob, and the ruination of society as we know it

(Above: Virginia Woolf, purported novelist, arch-satanist and promoter of condom abuse).

If ever there was a scarlet woman, and a shameless, disgraceful hussy, then Virginia Woolf fits that description to a T.

For a start, she always sounded vaguely feminist, with her notion that a woman must have money and a room of her own if she's to write fiction. Disgraceful.

Why, it's well known she had drastic mood swings, and some have even suggested this might be to do with sexual abuse from her two half-brothers. As if that's any kind of excuse.

Naturally she had a couple of nervous breakdowns (that sort always does), and then she got involved in the notorious Bloomsbury Group, as filthy a bunch of perverts as ever stalked the earth. They were up each other like rats up a drainpipe, and I can hardly bear to think of the goings on, especially with that dreadful Vita Sackville-West woman.

Inevitably Woolf killed herself, that sort always does.

What's that you say, she was one of the great writers of the early twentieth century, if only for To the Lighthouse, and despite her quirks (like her ambivalent relationship to Leonard Woolf's Jewishness and to Jews in general), she presents as a fragile, tormented, driven soul, who managed to evoke in her art vivid insights into the human, and especially the female, condition.

Fiddle faddle. Now who's still afraid of Virginia Woolf these days? Why it turns out that Dr Phillip Jensen, Anglican Dean of Sydney is, and he's making a grand bid to win the prize Easter loon award for stupendously stupid statements.

Dr Phillip Jensen, Anglican Dean of Sydney, told AAP on Friday he sympathised with Cardinal Pell's views (on condoms), but did not believe condoms alone had made society more promiscuous.

"In terms of adultery, in terms of divorce, in terms of grandchildren, yes we are in big trouble as a society because of the sexual revolution," he said.

"It came out of Virginia Woolf and that crowd (in England in the early 20th century).

"It's a century-long movement that has happened.

"In my view, it's a disaster. It has ruined lives. It is ruining our society."

Oh poor Virginia you knew not what you did, what you're doing and what you will do in the future. Come to that, neither did I. Silly me, I thought it was James Joyce, and Henry Miller, and William Burroughs and Jack Kerouac and Allen Ginsberg, and a host of devious, filthy, pervert male writers stretching as far back as Bill Shakespeare making jokes about "cuntry matters".

But no, it's always a woman's fault, ain't that a fact. There you were, poor dear, frail and insightful, and it turns out that all the sex, drugs and rock and roll of the sixties were your fault.

I know, I know, all you smart-arsed academics, you lefties, are chortling and choking on your hot cross buns and your coffee and your chocolates, little realizing that Virginia Woolf and that Bloomsbury crowd ruined the world as we know it (or is ruining it, and will ruin it).

In other news, Cardinal Pell, a celibate, who knows little enough one hopes (by definition being celibate) about actual fucking, announced that mechanical contraptions like condoms could do nothing to solve a great spiritual and health crisis like AIDS, when the simple solution was the one he, Pell, had adopted, which was to give up fucking altogether.

It seems that in Africa the people in remote areas are too poor to afford condoms, thereby perfectly justifying the Catholic church's opposition to handing them out for free. Worse still, the ones that are available are often of very poor quality, thereby justifying the Catholic church's opposition to handing out better quality ones for free. And the ones that were deployed weren't used effectively, thereby justifying the Catholic Church's fervent opposition to effective and sensible secular sex education, especially if it might involve the use of condoms and the pill.

It seems things are so much better in the Philippines, which is of course a Catholic country, as opposed to Thailand, which is of course full of ex-Catholic clergy looking to fuck young boys. Poor Thais, aren't they Theravada Buddhists? Well there you go, QED, what on earth would they know about anything, especially the sexual inclinations of western tourists? 

Now who amongst you will stand valiantly with Jensen and Pell, putting pin holes in condoms to show how useless they are, denigrating feminist lesbians like Woolf, bemoaning sex and sexuality, and explaining how much better off Africa will be following the injunctions of the Pope.

Come on, please someone stand up and save the world from condoms and sex.

What's that you say, will nobody rid the world of these vexatious, quarrelsome, odious, troublesome, pious, pontificating prattish priests?

Really, that's being very short-sighted. Looking on the upside. If this is the kind of stupidity they preach at Easter, there's a great chance that they'll have converted a few more folk to the secular cause. 

Nobody could be that dumb, without actually being that dumb. Could they?

"The sexual revolution ... came out of Virginia Woolf and that crowd ..."

D. H. Lawrence, you are an epic failure. You may as well not have written Lady Chatterley's Lover, you turkey. It was Virginia that did it all. 

Surely you aren't fooled by that name Virginia? Virginia ... virgo ... maiden ... virago more like it, and there's poor Phillip Jensen still trembling with fear at what you've wrought. Begone vile temptress, and condom no more lest ye be condemned for ever more.