(Above: cucking stool, aka ducking stool, part of my multi-pronged legislative program to resurrect the rights of men).
Well at last a president with balls has had the decency and guts to sign into law what every man in Australia has been demanding for years.
Bettina Arndt and Miranda the Devine must be dancing in the streets with news this weekend that Afghanistan president Hamid Karzai has signed into law an act designed to tackle the problem of the weaker sex and their faint-hearted attitude to giving it out.
We all know this is a problem - only a few days ago a kindly reader, who somehow mistook me for Michael Duffy, heaven forfend, explained how "Men too need respect, for who we are and how nature has created us."
The law allows Shiite men to demand sex from their wives every four days and keep them indoors indefinitely.
"As long as the husband is not traveling, he has the right to have sexual intercourse with his wife every fourth night."
The law also explains what's expected of women.
"Obedience, readiness for intercourse and not leaving the house without the permission of the husband are the duties of the wife."
But in case you think this is unfair or skewed somehow, the law also takes care of the rights of women. Men have to take their wives to bed at least once every four months, to avoid sexual neglect. Well, that's extremely fair, seeing as how the weaker sex aren't really up to sex much more than three times a year.
Thank the lord, action at last. All this mealy mouthed, pussy footing around the problem of women in Australia left me wondering if anyone anywhere was ever going to take firm action to assert the rights of men.
Strangely, the US State Department is embarrassed by the secretive, furtive passage of the legislation, which is more restrictive than anything the old Taliban regime managed (the news was leaked by a UN agency). It seems Karzai did it as a deal to get himself in good shape for the upcoming elections, and now they're trying to get him to reverse the law. But really you have to ask why - after all, it's an ill wind that blows no good, and here we have an initiative that helps men while reminding women of their wifely duties.
If we had the law in Australia, then Bettina Arndt wouldn't have to write a book like The Sex Diaries. We'd just throw recalcitrant women in the cooler for a couple of days, and they'd soon learn to come across with the goods.
Indeedy I've been thinking it's about time we thought of bringing back the scold's bridle, while these days I understand you can fit a decent chastity belt with a GPS tracking device. And let's face it, things have gotten out of hand with common scolds (communis rixatrix) since the dunking stool dropped out of sight. If you want an explanation of why we all have to put up with Germaine Greer, it's right there in a nutshell. Give her a good dunking or three, like a Krispy Kreme doughnut, and we could all live in peace.
Well done President Karzai. I don't expect much action federally in Australia, seeing as how the wretched Rudd is clearly under the thumb of his millionaire wife (why, these days the right wing commentariet can't write a story without mentioning his millionaire wife) but perhaps Nathan Rees, who is angry about everything these days - black outs, bikies, public transport, the hopeless job his government is doing - could experiment with a state law that'd be so much more effective than the heroic work of Arndt and Devine.
And ain't it grand to see that men are fighting and dying in Afghanistan to make sure the rights of men are enacted into law. Think I'll go and shed a tear in private now at the sweet poetry of it all ...
By the way, did I mention Kevin Rudd has a millionaire wife? Shocking, even surprising that you could find such a creature in the world of modern socialism. Reminds me of the good doctor Samuel Johnson's response to news from Boswell that he'd been to a Quakers meeting and heard a woman preach: Sir, a woman's preaching is like a dog's walking on his hind legs. It is not done well but you are surprised to find it done at all.
I always find that very apt when thinking about Bettina Arndt, Miranda the Devine, and women writing books, or columns, or blogs, or whatever. Don't you? No wonder women are hopeless at sex ... surprising it's done at all really.