Saturday, February 28, 2009

Miranda Devine, Ladettes to Ladies, Drunken Trollops, Filthy Toxic Feminists, Modesty and Self-respect

It never rains but it pours. This weekend The Sydney Morning Herald doesn't just offer neo Duffy, it offers a dose of Miranda the neo Devine. 

Now I know what you're thinking punk. Can he handle one loon columnist or two? To tell you the truth I forgot myself, what with all the excitement, because you see the Devine tackles the subject of Ladette to Lady in her column Yearning to liberate the inner lady.

Okay, I knew you'd guess it. The show is a devastating indictment of neo feminism:

It's girlpower taken to extremes, the ultimate flowering of toxic aggro feminism, in which all civilised restraint is regarded as an unreasonable curtailment of freedom, and gender equality means being able to drink as much as a bloke and vomit in a bucket in the front bar, too.

Let's reword that. 

One of Devine's boorish columns is girlpower taken to extremes, the ultimate flowering of toxic aggro feminism, in which all civilized restraint, gentle discourse and tolerant engagement with greenies, lefties, feminists and minorities is regarded as an unreasonable curtailment of freedom, and gender equality means being able to spew as much nonsense as Akerman, Blair and Bolt, and vomit in a bucket in the front bar, too.

Yep, Devine knows where it's at:

Dignity, modesty and self-respect may be out of fashion, but the deep human need for them remains.

So shut your mouth Miranda the Devine, show a little dignity, a lot more modesty, and a lot more respect for others as a way of showing some respect for yourself. 

Start by explaining just how feminism turned women into strippers, bar brawlers and aimless drunkards, as if this kind of activity sprang full blown from Germaine Greer's head in the nineteen sixties.

Second thoughts, don't bother. Nobody expects a loon like you to provide a coherent sociological analysis of the predicament of young women, or a sensible accounting of feminism, especially when based on a viewing of a television show designed to gratuitously exploit all kinds of stereotypes to sell soap powder and beep beep cars.

Next week: a profound analysis of Australian feminism and where it's led young women astray, based on the mores on display in Neighbours and Home and Away, and Devine's neo discovery that young people still have a deep desire to get married just like Jason and Kylie.

The week after: Miranda the Devine announces that feminism is responsible for alcoholism in young women, based on an extensive survey of pub culture, where alcopopping teens insisted to her, it's my right as a woman to get as pissed as a parrot, and you can all get fucked.

Thoughts for further columns: 

(1) boorish women who don't know how to handle scones likely to be boorish drunken trollops, feminists from broken homes who keep photos of their naked bodies under the bed because they lack self-respect and participate in greenie tree hugging when they should be hugging handsome men. (NB note to self, misguided, likely to wear dungarees or some kind of overalls).

(2) increase in physical assaults on teenage girls in the past decade due to feminism. Expand this point - Germaine Greer's notorious tendency to drink in public the likely cause. Must suggest to Malcolm that they introduce gin drinking in moderation to finishing schools so that girls learn they can get tippling drunk in a refined, genteel, eastern suburbs way.

(3) spewing in gutters early indicator in girls of feminist tendencies. Perhaps a memo to Malcolm suggesting the opposition would do well to adopt a policy of funding finishing schools to improve young women in Australia. Is June Dally-Watkins still alive? Perhaps she can replace Julie Bishop as deputy leader of the Liberals, responsible for the eradication of up chucking in the young.

(4) Really important that women wear tweed suits, bend to the will of their tutors, take deportment lessons, learn how to cook (for men of course), arrange flowers, serve afternoon tea and speak politely to gentlemen at dinner parties, before sucking their cocks in the way the gentlemen learned to like in Eton (or was that Knox Grammar, must fact check). Perhaps Julie can be re-assigned to designing courses for young women on oral literacy and the importance of keeping men happy?

Must stress this: notion that women might become lawyers or doctors where society began to go wrong. Must only write about working class trollops as decent examples of women who want to become women before being derailed by feminism.

(5) Study Survivor as exemplar of capitalism? Dignified modest and self respecting women win and get to write newspaper columns lashing out at all and sundry? Darwinian element problematic for Christian readers? 

(6) Study Madmen as decent guide to smoking and sex for young women wanting to get back to nineteen fifties decency? Happy suburban couples behind picket fences. Kate Winslet in Revolutionary Road better example? Such a happy couple.

(7) Proper female roles on view in Gilligan's Island? Return to the days of Jane Austen? No wait, feminists like her, ideologically suspect. Must keep watching television as impeccable source of moral truisms. Buffy the vampire slayer as goth feminist likely to increase tendency of young women to drink bloody marys?

You're right. I couldn't handle it. A double dose of Miranda the Devine and leadfoot speedster Michael Duffy on the one day is too much to handle. 

I'm now clinically insane, with no chance of actual treatment in the public health system. It's just another day in Sydney, capital of New South Wales, shark wonderland in the southern hemisphere.

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