Piers Akerman, Bikie Madmen, Zero Tolerance, frock power, and bringing back road gangs for recalcitrants

(Above: Rudy Giuliani in the mood for a frock-led zero tolerance crime policy)

I do so worry about Piers Akerman, our beloved fat owl of the remove, who is now so given to hysterics that he almost faints as he scribbles his diatribes. Does he have a dodgy ticker, is all the rising blood pressure good for him and his health?

Of course it is a truth universally acknowledged, in much the same way as young women are always in need of a husband, that anything and everything wrong with Australia is the fault of one evil man. The Ruddster.

Piers is shocked and appalled, horrified and dismayed, by the Sydney airport bikie scandal. Bikie madmen not afraid of politicians riding spin cycles, he splutters.

Now it would never have happened in John Howard's day. The Howard government took security seriously. But under the Ruddster we're just one short step from total gobsmacking anarchy. If you feel the earth moving under your feet, it's not an earthquake - it's the moral decay and insecurity induced by a short time with the Ruddster in power.

Under the Rudd Labor government, security is talked about - and undermined.

Funny, I thought Mick Keelty was in charge of the federal police during Howard's time, and now continues the job right up to the present day. Clearly he needs a boot up the behind from John and Piers, because back in the day when he was persecuting Dr. Haneef in Keystone Cops fashion, Australia was so much safer. But these days ...

As Australian Federal Police Commissioner, you (Mick Keelty) would have to know that airport security around the nation has holes you could fly an Airbus through.

And the fat owl wasn't slacking, he was a reporter on the job. He was on site:

I was at the airport half an hour earlier, it was as empty as it ever gets. There was no visible police presence, state or federal.

But, Mick, let's face it, if a motorist has been picking up or dropping off an elderly passenger, security would have been down in a flash making threats of fines and other penalties that could cause heart failure.

Yet, when a group of 20 or so men covered in tramp stamp tattoos descends upon the airport, they appear not to have registered on the security radar.

Dead right, fat owl. Maybe if they'd been semi-nude photos of Pauline Hanson, the cops might have paid some attention.

But let's get back to Australia falling apart under Labor, and imagine that, the silly mug punters voting Labor back into run Queensland for another term, not realising the sky is falling in, right here, right now. 

Not only have the Labor party cut all the resources for all the cops everywhere, any laws they do introduce to tackle the bikie problem are being undercut by civil liberties and civil rights organisations.

The way it is going under Labor nationally though, the nation's half-dozen highest-paid CEOs will face greater penalties than some of those who run bikie organisations - which in turn control some of the country's vast drug networks.

That's right, elderly passengers and the country's half dozen best paid CEOs all reduced to penurious suffering under Labor.

But wait, it's more than heading out to the airport to be ripped off by Macquarie and harassed by bikies. The sky is falling in everywhere:

When the domestic airport terminal on a lazy Sunday afternoon is as dangerous as Dodge City on Saturday night, these sort of promises become more meaningless political claptrap.

It's not just the airport incident either, central Sydney, the cinema district, lower George St, railway stations and, in some cases, whole suburbs are now no-go areas for law-abiding taxpayers.

Judging by the frequency of violent acts, stabbings, shootings, ram-raids and other mayhem, they are also no-go areas for the police, either through direction or lack of manpower.

Warning citizens! Sydney is Dodge City. We're in the wild west. And Johnny Howard took away our guns - except he somehow didn't manage to take them away from the crims. Strange that.

Anyhoo, be alert but not alarmed. Be cautious but not afraid. Only leave your dwelling places once a week to get rice, tins of tomatoes, a little milk and bread, and then scurry back home. The city is falling apart. You can't go anywhere, the sky is falling in, criminals stalk the earth, and we have no Judge Dredd.

Okay we know crime is the disease, what's the cure? (and don't say Sly Stallone in Cobra, please. He'd still want a decent ATL fee to come here, and we can't afford the breakage).

It just has to be zero tolerance.

Like if we catch a newspaper publishing semi-nude photos of an ex-politician, we'll burn their buildings to the ground. Oops, sorry, you're right that's arson. So what to do?

Former New York mayor Rudolph Giuliani turned his city around after generations of civil libertarians had insisted that cops should stand aside and look the other way as crimes were being committed.

But fat owl Rudy loves to dress in frocks. How can a cross dresser lead us to righteous freedom? Don't you dislike people with a peculiar sexual preference? Well Steve Dow says you do, but what would he know? Isn't he one of 'them'? Me, I just love a man with the courage to dress in frocks or stockings - look at brave Alexander Downer - it's just the taking all of the credit for dubious policies since abandoned in many places that's a little problematic.

You see Piers, you might have over-dressed all that nonsense about Rudy saving New York from crime, but if anyone's interested there's a nice wikipedia article on Zero Tolerance, which strangely doesn't mention Rudy once as its seminal founder and deliverer, and there's also Fixing Broken Windows, another piece which mentions New York, and the pluses and minuses of the concept, but I know anything that introduces subtlety, rationality, nuance or a consideration of both sides of an argument is of no interest to the fat owl, so let's move on.

Okay Piers so we know the disease, we know the cure, now what's the punishment? Surely hanging's too good for them. Will you join me and Janet in our campaign to bring back drawing and quartering and decapitation? So we can be as barbaric as fundie Islamic regimes? Hey, a good stoning to death might come in handy once in a while as well.

It is now time that similar social engineering was brought to an end here and offenders were treated as the criminals they are and not as misguided miscreants who have strayed from grace.

Lock them up in maximum security with minimum privileges and, should they hanker for some sort of gang activity, put them to work in road gangs.

Err Piers, I haven't come across anyone yet who said bashing someone to death in an airport using a heavy metal bollard was the work of a misguided miscreant strayed from grace. 

Come to think of it, I don't recollect that being the case for drug dealers or drive by shooters, either. I guess there might be some wishy washy liberals who think the Milperra bikie massacre was just some boys having fun, but I haven't come across them. Maybe you could introduce us to them? 

But right on, let's go back to Governor Macquarie's time. I fancy getting all the convicts to work for Macquarie Bank building new motorways, and if any of them step out of line, well it's a hundred lashes with the finest cat o' nine tails. They can leave their chip marks in the sandstone if they like to warn others of the dangers of upsetting the fat owl of the remove.

Right now Piers I have to think you're in top form, top of the world ma, as James Cagney said before he blew himself up in White Heat. Some might think you're being a tad hysterical. A few might urge you to stay calm and carry on. Those with a medical inclination might mistake the frothing and the foaming at the mouth for signs of madness.

But I think it means you're ready to transition, and start wearing frocks, like your hero Rudy. And how jolly and fun that will be. A splendid jape, and it might just show bikies there's another way forward than being manly macho scum bashing the shit out of each other. Do it Piers, do it for the bikies, for humanity, for yourself, and for us ...

Then we can walk the streets at night safe again with a zero tolerance frock led recovery.

(Below: Rudy Giuliani saving New York from crime with frock power).