Rachel Ward, tits, willies, and celebrities who've gone nude, but not in the Sunday Telegraph

(Above: celebrities who've gone nude except in the Sunday Telegraph).

Being Sunday, everyone's entitled to go a little light headed, but when it comes to bubble brained boobydom, Rachel Ward floats into the stratosphere like a helium-filled balloon.

Girls must go nude to be successful is one of those delightful beat ups - full credit to auteur Jonathon Moran - that shows how a successful tabloid souffle can rise.

Ward is actually in the business of promoting her soon to be released movie Beautiful Kate, which given her track record as a director in short films has me hanging out like an Australian movie goer hanging out for an Australian film festival ... which is like an Australian bank hanging out for a visit from Ned Kelly.

But enough of prejudicial pre-judgment, which might also conclude that Ward hasn't done a decent screen performance since the glory days of Fortress.

But enough of the upset digestive tract, let's get into Ms. Ward's bon mots about nudity.

"If you're going to be an actress in film, you can't be coy," Ward told The Sunday Telegraph.

"Breasts are sexy. I want to see them and audiences want to see them . . . I've certainly had to do my fair share of it. If you're going to be an actress or a model, it's usually part of the package."

Sage words, which need to be heeded by any actress over eighteen. Take it all off, and take it off now. And bring it on Sunday Terror, let's get it on with the boobs. And the nether regions. Even, gasp, naked men celebrating their pecs and cutness.

Steady, because then Ms Ward lets down the team. Forget about men. No equal opportunity here.

Men don't have to worry about the issue though because, well, their privates don't make pleasant viewing, she says.

"We don't want to see willies because they're ugly," Ward says.

"We want to see breasts because they're beautiful."

Oy vey, is she the perfect fodder for a Sunday tabloid, or what. Ugly willies, cute tits. With deep thoughts like that, I've no doubt her film is positively Shakespearian. But wait a second, strangle us all before we get too deep:

"You're in a movie because you're appealing and because you represent the aspiration, the fantasy, the ideal," she said. "I resisted that but, when you're in the business, when you're making a film, one doesn't have to take it all too seriously. We're not curing cancer . . . it's entertainment. We want to get people into theatres."

Oh well, if her film doesn't offer a cure for cancer ...

As for following her sage advice in her own career, what does Ward have to offer? Well regrets:

Ward says she has never appeared fully nude in three decades working in film and television, adding that it was "a constant battle with directors" over taking all her clothes off.

But now, at 51, a candid Ward said: "I wish I had. I was just a prudish English girl and I wish I had been less prudish about it really. I don't think we have a hell of a lot to be serious about at this point.

Thank the lord all this new found bra burning liberation has nothing to do with Ward persuading 23 year old actress Maeve Dermody to take off all her gear for Beautiful Kate, which explores "burgeoning adolescent sensuality", which in turn leads to "desire, transgression and ultimately loss." Oh dear:

Brimming with the lyricism and honesty of Bill Henson’s photography, Rachel Ward’s potent direction of teenage sexuality expands on preoccupations evident in her featurette Martha’s New Coat (SFF03) and evokes Catherine Breillat’s À ma soeur! and Carine Adler’s Under the Skin. (excerpt Sydney Film Festival puff piece).

Oh no. More Bill Henson. Whatever will Stephen Conroy do?

How can we spin this? Ah, got it now. Nudity redeemed by pretension.

Happily, Ward's new found love of nudity, and her willie bashing ways, give the Sunday Terror an online opportunity to link to a Nicole Kidman photo shoot, a gallery dedicated to "star in nude pics row", and a gallery dedicated to "Nude sports stars".

Now you might think this is just another example of a tabloid paper going into online smut as a desperate last stand for attention to be paid. Feel free to explore these galleries at your leisure, but I must say I was shocked and scandalized, by visiting the primary link promoting a gallery about "Stars who've gone nude".

In the old days, what follows would have been described as prick teasing of the highest order, and I say that as someone who generally has no problem with teasing pricks.

You see, the photos in the "stars who've gone nude" generally feature stars either scantily or decently or fully clothed - with the honorable exception of a couple of shots showing only a couple of the breasts which so enrapture Ms. Ward.

You see the coy gallery is actually about stars who've gone nude, without any of the sordid business of actually showing them nude. So it's true to label, it's just that the label is a con like the pea in a thimble routine. The male stars who make it into the gallery are shown dressed up like men with a Freudian fear of showing off their willies.

Well I guess in the scheme of things, it's no great fraud. It's not comparable with Bernie Madoff or a Ponzi scheme, but after wasting my time wandering through thirty odd largely fraudulent photos, it does remind me why I won't be summoning up the effort to go see Ms. Ward's film. I've been shilled once, why get shilled again ...

(Below: another celebrity who's gone nude but not in the Sunday Telegraph. Oh and all right, one actual set of breasts, but remember she's French and weird and the shot is in arty black and white so it's not so much nude as reminiscent of Alain Resnais's Last Year at Marienbad).