Sunday, June 7, 2009

Piers Akerman, Joel Fitzgibbon, Chairman Rudd, the ABC, the Chaser boys, UK politicians, horse manure and a crane kick to the balls

(Above: study the art of the crane kick well, you never know when you might meet a corrupt Labor party politician in the street).

The wonderful thing about Piers Akerman is the way he's such a determined bovver boy.

In another life, he'd have been an ideal companion to Russell Crowe in Geoffrey Wright's Romper Stomper. Akerman loves to romp and stomp, and sink in the boot, whether steel capped or more rarely, in the guise of a slipper.

If someone from the Labor party came up to him and asked him what he was against, Akerman would simply ask "what have you got".

Take this weekend's column Ethics of getting away with it.

Ostensibly it's about hapless former Minister of Defence Joel Fitzgibbon, now gone to the back bench after a series of indiscretions. But while he might have left the stage, that doesn't stop Akerman throwing as many rotten eggs as he can, dragging up Fitzgibbon's support of prize loon Mark Latham and taking a shot at Chairman Rudd for even contemplating appointing him.

But that kind of straight up and down mugging is never enough for Akerman, as his cunning mind weaves metaphors to embrace the whole world of leftist fellow travellers. Now you might think it's a bit of a stretch to move from Kevin Rudd, the ministry of Defence and Joel Fitzgibbon to the ABC and the Chaser lads, but for Akerman it's easy peasy.

By this time in his time in power John Howard had lost five ministers through what might be called carelessness as much as anything, but for Akerman that's nothing. After all a scalp is a scalp, and you have to make hay while the sun shines.

So Akerman shows how he can whirl on the head of a pin, Karate Kid style as he wheels out his very own crane kick:

In fact, we don’t know yet exactly where Rudd’s boundaries of unacceptable behaviour lie and that, too, is a mark of Rudd’s own lack of judgment.

His limit, based on the Fitzgibbon precedent, seems to be based on what he and his government can reasonably expect to get away with without suffering a knock in the polls.

It’s exactly the same standard our ABC applies to its programming, really, as exemplified by its handling of the nauseating attempts at humour by the middle-aged men who run The Chaser program.

Just as Rudd has to take ultimate responsibility for retaining Fitzgibbon in Cabinet, despite the fact that Fitzgibbon was serially submitting parliamentary declarations of his interest with serious omissions, so the ABC management approved Chaser programs of progressively grotesque interpretations of humour.

Yes, take that everybody. Chairman Rudd is just like the out of control irresponsible socialistc ABC management. A nauseating middle aged man running the country like its a tasteless sketch in a nauseating comedy. Did I mention nausea, in a Sartrean way?

But wait, that's hardly worth a set of steak knives. We need something more down and dirty. Where to find it? The UK of course, now as we know in a state of irreparable decline. And of course Fitzgibbon letting his brother lobby in his office is as bad as a UK politician wanting to spend a bit of money shoring up his moat:

The audacity of this breach of the most basic ethics is on a level with some of the more ridiculous expense claims UK Labour ministers lodged to rort their parliamentary electorate allowances, and presupposes the voters are beyond stupid.

In the case of former Home Secretary Jacqui Smith, the punters were charged for the cost of two pornographic videos her husband watched at home. Other MPs’ claims for horse manure, moat cleaning, bath plugs, tennis courts and duck islands were as fantastic, and all were permitted under a bureaucratic process through which claims were supposed to be vetted.

In the Fitzgibbon case, however, he remained solely responsible for his ethics; in the UK business, the MPs like to claim that their responsibility for ethics had been subordinated to others from whom they sought advice.

Oh yes, right to the solar plexus. Fitzgibbon's worse than a UK politician because he remains solely responsible for his ethics! Now you might find that logic arcane, even confusing, a chance to link Fitzgibbon to pornographic videos, horse manure, duck islands and bath plugs, whether from the Tory or the Labor side of misdemeanors.

Which proves how much you have to learn when confronted by a union thug in a dark alleyway and a verbal baseball bat your only friend as you deal with the ruffian in the only way these ruffians understand. Biff, bash, bam. Take that you vile ruffian chappie fellow.

So with hopes dashed about a rant about the country reeling in to what some would call a technical recession, how else to rough up Comrade Rudd? Well you might find it easy to accept Chairman Rudd's claims about a scandalous loan of a ute that's been on the parliamentary register for a couple of years, or even dismiss criticism of it as nit-picking, or trawling the bottom of the harbour or doing a bit of longline fishing in the hope of catching an albatross, but you clearly don't understand the art of the sneer and the snide aside:

Estimates will be worth following in coming weeks as the Opposition probes other areas in which the Government has shown itself to be sensitive, including the fertile ground of the detail in the relationship between Rudd and the Queensland car dealer John Grant.

Rudd has already locked himself into a position with his noisy and demonstrative denial in Parliament of any knowledge of any approach by Grant to the Government’s auto industry support scheme, but bureaucrats responsible for the scheme say that they received representations from the PM’s office lodged on behalf of Grant.

It would be very easy to dismiss the fact that Rudd has received the ongoing loan of a ute from Grant a number of years ago - and even easier to accuse the Opposition of nit-picking - if the same defence had not been mounted when it was revealed that Ms Liu had paid for one trip for Fitzgibbon, before it was found there were two and, then, that there were more.

Fitzgibbon claims he was brought down by Judases among his associates.

Rudd knows that he has fewer friends than Fitzgibbon.

Yes, another smackeroo to the kisser. Sure we don't have any evidence, but why not just a glass in the eye on the basis of deep suspicion and an ability to link it to Fitzgibbon and China. After all, a broken beer glass in the eye is just a dinkum Aussie way of saying hello mate, how's it going.

What's all this got to do with running the country in the difficult economic times we currently face? Bugger all, but it's ever so much fun watching Akerman do his patented crane kick into the balls of all and sundry. What's it signify? Sound and fury and absolutely nothing, but that's the joy of Akerman.

Yaroop garooah he roars on such a regular basis that he sounds like Bob Ellis berating the Liberals. And that's the funniest thought of all, Bob Ellis and Piers Akerman, two peas in a pod of serial crane kickers.

(Below: okay chairman Rudd, what you got, because we's agin it).

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