Gerard Henderson, Guantanamo Inmates, Haneef, Good Chappies, the bleating Fraser and the Ultimate Solution

You have to hand it to Gerard Henderson, that prissy desiccated coconut who loves to root for Sarah Palin. Perversity runs in his blood in as fanatical a way as his mortal enemies the Greens.

This week under the coy title "If Guantanamo inmates are resettled here ..." Henderson manages to berate both the Greens and the Coalition for opposing the settling of Guantanamo Bay detainees in Australia.

At the same time, he uses his purported generosity to excuse the quivering, wretched Kevin Andrews, and the enormously desiccated Philip Ruddock (whose ostentatious continuing membership of Amnesty is a  disgrace to the organisation and an indication of its complete impotence), for their part in such Howard-driven follies as the Haneef case. 

Even Bill Kelty's mob gets a clean bill of health from Henderson - sure, errors and mistakes were made, but only in the light of mass hysteria whipped up by the likes of Henderson about terrorism, including actual events in faraway places, and generally they can be said to be jolly good chaps whose errors can be placed in context. As for Haneef, well tough titty. After all, wasn't he some kind of foreign chappie with strange ways?

Henderson also manages to take an obligatory sideswipe at Malcolm Fraser, who has the temerity to criticise John Howard and his national security legislation. Now far be it for me to step between Henderson and the tedious Fraser - they can bore each other to death with their arguments - but just remember if you ever step outside the Liberal orthodoxy, you're likely to be picked to death by the tough roosters. Life in the farmyard is bleak.

Anyhoo, after paying out on all his mortal enemies, Henderson contrives a stroke of genius. "If Australia ever accepts Guantanamo Bay detainees, it will be necessary to adopt a hard line on monitoring their activities and contacts. The electorate would demand no less, irrespective of the likely advocacy of the civil liberties lobby in our midst".

Yeah, what would those pussies know about living in a vibrant democracy. The solution is right here in front of our eyeballs courtesy of Gerard - as the USA dismantles Guantanamo, they can ship it to Australia, so we can house the detainees in style. It'd be a shame for the razor wire and cages to go to waste (and our noble cops could use some schooling in water-boarding). And while we're at it, why not throw Hicks back in the clink. And especially throw in all those greens and civil liberties lobbyists who can't understand how we have "able intelligence and police services". No doubt he's got a list, a very long list, this lordly poo bah, who could be slipped behind the wire to keep the world safe for Hendersons.

Funnily enough, the accompanying illustration by Simon Letch - a Guantanamo-clad, hooded detainee looking at a sign "Welcome to Hicksville, Population 1, Please Drive Carefully" -captures the essential hypocrisy of what Henderson is proposing: send us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses, so we can continue their persecution while pretending to liberate them.

I never thought I'd say it but suddenly it's hard not to feel a touch of sympathy for Malcolm Fraser. Up against the pious, jesuitical, broodings, pontifications and defensive posturings of Henderson, he actually manages to sound like a human being who cares about other human beings.

Ah what the heck. Pass me that beak so I can peck him to death, and remember Obama, Gerard H. has got the perfect solution for you. I'm thinking we can revive Baxter, using left over Guantanamo props to make it the perfect storage solution. Remember we especially like to lock up women and children, and drive people to the madness of sewing up their lips. We can do a hard line, not like you US pussies. 

Brave new world, that's the world of Gerard Henderson, executive director of The Sydney Institute, and prime contender for the 'loon of the week' award.